We are at the post office. Irritatingly having to send back some espadrilles from ASOS that don’t fit. I’m a size 8 but their size 8 don’t fit. WHAT IN GOD’S NAME SIZE IS MEANT TO FIT ME NOW?! ME AND MY GIGANTIC FLIPPER FEET. Was I a dolphin in a past life? Where is the nearest transvestite shop? Shall I start shoe shopping there? ANYWAY…
The boys are hanging about, looking at the cards on display. I reach the front of the queue and am mid weighing my parcel when Ruari’s voice pipes up ‘WHAT’S A TODGER?!’
The elderly woman next to me tuts and shakes her head.
‘Um, we’ll talk about it in a bit.’
‘But it says it on this card Mummy, so WHAT IS IT?! WHAT’S A TODGER?!’
I finish weighing the parcel and push it through the slot to the lady, then turn to leave.
Ruari waves the card in my face and I take it from him to look. There’s a picture of two monkeys and a bowl of cake batter. One monkey is saying to the other “Did you put put nuts in the cake?” and the other replies “No but I dipped my todger in.”
“WHAT ARE NUTS MUMMY?” continues Jack.
I clear my throat and brightly say ‘Let’s talk about it later! We’ve got to rush back to the car!’
Once we’re home, the boys are still nagging to know about todgers and nuts.
‘Well, a todger is a willy and nuts are balls.’
David is sniggering across the table.
‘You can also call balls “plums”‘ he pipes up, clearly enjoying the lavatorial humour because he is such a big kid with stuff like that.
I roll my eyes ‘Yeeees but they’re quite rude so you mustn’t repeat them’ I say.
They’re all thoroughly enjoying their new vocabulary so I go off to do some chores, whilst there’s the odd piping up of “MY TODGER!” or “MY PLUMS!” every so often followed by gales of laughter.
When I come back down later, they inform me they have a new name;
‘We’re Team Todger! We all have willies!’ shouts Jack.
‘You don’t because you have an inside out willy!’ says Ruari.
‘You’re outnumbered Mummy!’
Aren’t I just.