David Hameron

We are milling about Padstow on Sunday lunchtime and stop to browse in the window of Abbey Bears, I turn to David to point something out but then my eye is caught by a woman standing just past him. She is tall with the best posture i’ve ever seen and incredibly blue eyes. I know her but I don’t know why I know her, my brain ticks over for a few moments and suddenly the penny drops; it’s Sam Cam. She’s very low key in active wear; slim and much prettier in real life. I do my eyebrow raise at David which denotes that there is a famous person close by and as usual, he doesn’t get why i’m raising my brows.
‘Just look to your right in a minute.’ I murmur as quietly as possible. Quiet isn’t my forte so she probably heard me.
David looks to his right straight at Samantha and then back at me, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
I roll my eyes in frustration and head into Abbey Bears.
‘It’s Samantha Cameron.’ I whisper at him as soon as we’re inside.
I browse at some bears in the window and as I look through the glass, I see a ham in a lime green cap.
It’s David. David Cameron. Not my David. My David may be many things but he doesn’t look like a ham.
Then a voice behind me says ‘Sorry, you can’t bring your coffee in ‘ere.’ It’s the woman in the shop to Samantha.
‘Oh sorry, I can’t? No? Oh ok, let me just pop it out here’ and she hands it to one of the plain clothes police officers accompanying them. I can’t work out whether the coffee thing is a general rule of the shop or just for her because her husband bollocksed up the country. Ha! Ok, i’m not going to get all political now.
She is suddenly stood right next to me and i’m having to try really hard not to goggle. I just find it so interesting but I also don’t want to stare because it must get bloody annoying and well, didn’t your Mother ever teach you not to stare?
‘Oh look at the hare! I must get the hare!’ she says to the woman accompanying her, picking up a hare.
Suddenly a girl rushes up to her bearing a naff sequinned beanie baby thing ‘Mummy, Mummy can I get this?’ I realise it’s Florence and then I see Nancy and Arthur looking bored at the other side of the shop.
‘No you’re not having that, it’s disgusting and you’ve got so many of them anyway’ says Sam, turning back to the stuffed toy hare.
I look around for David. My David. God, this is a bit confusing. DT, not DC. He is milling about at the other end of the shop and in front of him in the lime green cap is DC. I now just don’t know where to look, so I grab Ruari and Jack and leave the shop.
We walk round to The Lobster Pot to get ice cream and stand around outside eating them.
‘You missed a trick there you know.’ says DT.
‘What’s that?’
‘Well, he was stood in front of me, you could have gone “DAVID! DAVID! COME HERE!” and then I could have said “No don’t worry, she’s talking to me”. It would have been funny.’
‘Ah well, next time.’ I say, rolling my eyes.
Just then the Camerons walk past us, followed by their protection.
‘It must be horrible to have to be followed everywhere like that.’ I muse ‘He’s taller than I thought he was. Like a really tall ham in a hat.’
‘You’ve seen him before when we went to hear him speak in Harrogate.’ says David.
‘I know, I just don’t remember him being tall.’
We watch them disappear into a restaurant for lunch and move off ourselves.
‘Well that was unexpected.’ I say to David.
‘Was it? We always see somebody famous when we come to Padstow.’
‘I know but I still never expect it.’

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