As we come to the end of home schooling (hopefully forever), there are many things that I will not miss but I think zoom calls are top of that list. There was the time that Tom was completely nude, having stripped off and refused to get dressed again and I narrowly avoided him streaking past the camera; the time that Ruari tried to sign in to his zoom call but I hadn’t realised that his name was “Professor Quiz Whitty” leftover from a different zoom quiz with friends and then there was today; the crab episode.

The boys got a game called “Exploding Kittens” for Christmas, which we have all really enjoyed playing and is a welcome break from the loathsome Nintendo Switches. The same makers have made a variety of different and amusing games, one of which is called “YOU’VE GOT CRABS”. The boys have been after this particular one for a while but I was somewhat ambivalent because of the name but I looked into it and it did say it was a child appropriate game so there wasn’t much of an argument I could give without having to get into a discussion with my eight and ten year olds about sexually transmitted diseases and whilst i’ve always been open with them about sex education, even I have limits.

So there is “You’ve Got Crabs” on the table, leftover from a previous game and there is Jack on his Zoom call. His teacher asked to see something they’re grateful for and Jack reached for You’ve Got Crabs. I edged nervously to the table, hoping she wouldn’t ask him but my luck was not in.

“What are you grateful for Jack?”

“YOU’VE GOT CRABS.” he enunciated, clear as day.

“Excuse me?” said his poor, bewildered teacher.


Somewhere between shocked, hysterical laughter and mortification,  I jump around behind the camera mouthing “SAY IT’S A GAME! SAY IT’S A GAME! EXPLAIN WHAT IT IS! SHOW THE BOX!”

I’m not really sure what happened next as my head started swimming a bit as I wished the ground would swallow me up.

So yes, whilst i’m looking forward to the end of home learning, I am slightly anxious about having to face Jack’s teacher back in the playground. How big a face mask can one get away with I wonder?


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